TL;DR: The idea that successful relationships must follow a linear path (dating → moving in → marriage → kids) is limiting bullsh*t that ignores the variety of ways people actually want to live, love, and be loved.
We’ve all heard the story before: meet someone, fall in love, move in together, get engaged, marry, buy a house, have kids, and live happily ever after. This narrative is so deeply embedded in our culture that it has a name—the relationship escalator—and it’s treated as the gold standard for romantic success.
But what if this linear progression isn’t the only path to fulfillment? What if the relationship escalator is actually a myth that’s limiting our understanding of what healthy, meaningful partnerships can look like? Read on to see how stepping off the relationship escalator might be a huge relief, and can even bring to light the abundance of love you already have.
The Escalator Expectation (And Why It’s Problematic)
The relationship escalator operates on this assumption that relationships must constantly “progress” to remain valid. Each step up is evidence that things are working. Staying at the same level—or stepping back—gets coded as stagnation or failure.
I see this in my practice all the time. Clients asking themselves: “Where is this going?” Feeling anxious when partnerships don’t fit the expected timeline. Wondering if something is wrong if they don’t want to progress with a partner, even if they are happy and fulfilled otherwise. Not really feeling the love that is already being given to them because they don’t want to take the next step. Judging couples who’ve been together for years without marrying as somehow less committed than those who rushed to the altar after six months.
The escalator model assumes that all relationships want the same things: legal recognition, shared living spaces, merged finances, biological children. But in reality, people’s desires, circumstances, and definitions of commitment vary dramatically. Some of us thrive living separately. Others don’t want kids. Many prefer long-distance relationships. And even others choose to tend multiple relationships at the same time. The escalator model pathologizes these preferences instead of recognizing them as valid ways to structure intimacy.
Key markers of the Escalator typically include:
- Monogamy / Sexual exclusivity
- Emotional primacy
- Cohabitation
- Marriage
- Shared finances and legal entanglement
- Children
In this paradigm, relationships that don’t ascend all—or even most—of these steps are often viewed as incomplete, immature, or less meaningful.
What’s Really Happening When We Buy Into This Myth
We prioritize performance over connection. The escalator focuses on external markers—rings, certificates, shared mortgages—rather than the quality of connection between partners. A couple living separately but deeply committed to each other’s growth gets dismissed as “not serious,” while a miserable married couple is seen as relationship goals.
We ignore what we actually want. Not everyone wants children. Not everyone benefits from cohabitation. The escalator model creates this cognitive dissonance where we think we should want things we don’t actually want, or feel broken for wanting something different.
We create artificial pressure. How many couples have moved in together not because they wanted to, but because they felt they “should” after a certain amount of time? The pressure to “progress” pushes people into decisions before they’re ready or into choices that don’t serve their actual relationship.
We leave no room for natural rhythms. Real relationships ebb and flow. Sometimes couples need more space, sometimes less. Sometimes they want to be more intertwined, sometimes they benefit from increased independence. The escalator model treats any movement that isn’t “up” as failure.
The Cost of the Escalator Mindset
When we internalize the Escalator as the only valid path, we may:
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- Stay in relationships that no longer serve us, simply because they “check the boxes.”
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- Dismiss deeply meaningful connections that don’t lead to traditional milestones.
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- Feel pressure to escalate a connection rather than allow it to unfold organically.
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- Shame ourselves or others for choosing alternative relationship structures.
This mindset can obscure what really matters: connection, mutual care, consent, freedom, and authenticity.
What Success Actually Looks Like (When We Stop Following Scripts)
When we step off the relationship escalator, we can start defining success by different metrics—ones that actually matter for sustainable intimacy.
Mutual growth and support. Does this relationship help both people become more themselves? Do they support each other’s goals and personal development, even when those goals don’t align with traditional relationship milestones?
Intentional choice-making. Rather than following a script, partners consciously choose their level of commitment and integration based on what works for them. They might choose to marry without having children, live separately while being deeply committed, or create entirely new relationship structures that don’t have names yet.
Authentic communication. Instead of assuming they want the same things because they’re “supposed to,” partners regularly check in about their actual desires, boundaries, and visions for the future. They talk about the squeamish stuff.
Flexibility and adaptation. Successful relationships can change form without losing their essence. Partners recognize that their needs and circumstances may evolve, and they’re willing to adapt rather than force themselves into structures that no longer serve them.
Real Examples of Off-Escalator Success
I know a couple who’s been together for fifteen years, living in separate apartments in the same city because they’ve learned they both sleep better alone and value their own space. They vacation together, attend each other’s family events, and are each other’s emergency contacts—but they’ve never felt the need to merge households. When people ask when they’re moving in together, they just smile and say, “We’re not.”
Or the partners who married young and later realized they wanted different things from life. Instead of divorcing, they restructured their relationship into a committed friendship while opening up space for new romantic connections. They’re still family—just not the kind of family the escalator recognizes.
Or the couple who chose to be child-free and instead channels their nurturing energy into mentoring young people in their field, traveling extensively, and creating art together. They get asked about kids constantly and have learned to say, “We’re good with our choice.”
None of these relationships follow the escalator model, yet all demonstrate deep commitment, intentional partnership, and mutual support. They’re just not performing relationship success in a way that’s immediately recognizable to escalator-trained eyes.
Moving Beyond the Myth (And Into What Actually Works)
Recognizing the relationship escalator as a myth doesn’t mean rejecting marriage, cohabitation, or children. These can be beautiful choices when they’re made consciously rather than out of obligation. The key is distinguishing between what you actually want and what you think you’re supposed to want.
Some questions that might help:
- What would your ideal relationship look like if you removed all external expectations?
- Are you making relationship decisions based on your authentic desires or social pressure?
- How do you define commitment, and does that definition require specific legal or living arrangements?
- What would change if you measured your relationship’s success by happiness and growth rather than traditional milestones?
Off the Escalator and Into the Wild
Stepping off the Escalator doesn’t mean you’re anti-commitment or afraid of intimacy. It might mean you’re seeking something more aligned with your values and needs.
Alternative models include:
- Solo polyamory: prioritizing one’s autonomy while maintaining deep, non-hierarchical connections.
- Relationship anarchy: rejecting default assumptions about what relationships “should” look like.
- Intentional non-cohabitation: choosing not to live together, even in long-term committed partnerships.
- Queerplatonic partnerships: deep, non-romantic bonds that defy easy categorization.
- Lifelong friendships as central relationships: where intimacy isn’t reserved for romantic partners.
These models aren’t inherently better—they’re just other possibilities. The key is choosing (and creating) the kind of love and connection that feels nourishing, rather than obligatory.
The Freedom to Choose (And Why That’s Radical)
Here’s what I know from working with couples: the most sustainable relationships are the ones where people have agency over their choices. Where they’re not following a script but writing their own story based on their actual needs, desires, and circumstances.
The relationship escalator assumes there’s one right way to love. But love is way more creative than that. Some of us are relationship anarchists. Some of us want traditional marriage but without kids. Some of us want kids but not marriage. Some of us want to live together but keep separate finances. Some of us want to be deeply committed but maintain separate homes.
All of these are valid. All of these can be successful. The only requirement is that the relationship works for the people in it—not for society’s expectations, not for your family’s assumptions, but for you.
So what does a “successful” relationship look like, if it’s not about ticking off Escalator steps?
It might look like:
- Deep emotional intimacy without cohabitation.
- A creative partnership with fluid boundaries.
- A nonsexual, nonromantic bond that’s more enduring than many marriages.
- A flexible, resilient evolving romantic friendship or other kind of dynamic that adapts over time, rather than rigidly adhering to a script.
A successful relationship, ultimately, is one where all parties feel honored, heard, and free.
In a world that often tries to put love in a box, choosing to define your own relationship success might be the most radical act of all. And maybe, just maybe, it’s also the most loving thing you can do for yourself and your partner.
